If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this beer tastes like vomit already
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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