She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
