your thong is hanging out like whoa
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
