I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
