Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
