I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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