a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
