Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
