Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
