You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
