I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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