He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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