So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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