i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize