I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
