Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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