We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
