also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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