Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
