Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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