I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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