Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
