did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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