forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
