is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
