got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
