Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
