I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
