I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize