I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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