I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
