Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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