the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
