You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
