three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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