so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
