My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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