Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
