end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
