Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
