The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
