my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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