Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he laminated a picture of his dick.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
