When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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