mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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