Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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