So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
