make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
