Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
