I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
