Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
