between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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