How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
