I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
