dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize