If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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